One
What a word. It can be described as lonely, lovely, dreary, and peaceful. Just a single word. Such a relatively meaningless word. Until I applied it to him.
The One
Just adding three letters makes the meaning so much clearer. THE one. The weight of that is crushing. The idea of that is bewildering. The concept is foreign. How could I, me, love someone so much to give up everything? To give up pleasure, riches, fame. How?
To start, my name is Steven. I live in Greenville, SC. I love it here! I don't have any family here, but they're close. Driving distance. My friends are my true family anyways, they've always understood me better. I'm an accounts executive for a law firm here. That basically means I file cases into cabinets and make sure depositions are typed up properly. It pays the bills. It was actually through my work that I met him. Jacob. He came in one day, as opposing counsel, wearing a brand new Armani suit. It was custom tailored. He decided to pair his stark white shirt and deep ebony suit with a sort of robins egg blue bow tie. That's how I knew he was gay, the bow tie. It was a tie the not for marriage day where the supporters of marriage equality wore bow ties to show their support. It's weird to even think of a time when gays couldn't marry. It was a different time. There was more hatred in the world, less utopia and more pain and struggle. However; as soon as our eyes met, I knew he was different.
I had never had a "boyfriend". At least not for more than a night. The lgbt community in Greenville wasn't very, well, responsible. And I was the same. We partied all weekend and slept around all week. I probably shouldn't have even rented an apartment, not worth the one maybe two nights a month I spent there.
I'd never seen Jacob before. That day he came into the office seems like the day he first stepped foot on this earth. He seemed to know where he was and what he was doing and it took me by surprise. I couldn't even give him the proper greeting to new visitors, "Hi, welcome to Fisk and Sons. How may we assist you today?" I just looked at him and watched him pass by. Not a word. Not a sound. Not even a breath. He was in the office with Oliver, the owners son, for about three hours. It had been so long I thought he had left and I missed him. It was almost five, almost happy hour, when he made me scream.
I was still a law student, well I wasn't in school, I just hadn't passed the bar exam yet. So I was doing the administrative work until I could pass, something I would never actually do. The day I met Jacob my work load was light, uncommonly so. I decided I could get a little studying done at my desk and no one would be the wiser, until I dozed off. Coming in from a late night mixed with boring legal terms and cases of the past I was overcome by the "Sand Man" and fell asleep at my desk. I was suddenly awakened to Jacob, well Mr. Feinstein at the time; he was standing at my desk with a perplexed look on his face, confused as to why I was asleep I'm sure. I quickly apologized and asked if there was anything I could do for him. That was when he asked the question that I never expected to hear.
"Yeah, I'm new to the area and have no clue what to do for dinner! All these stiffs here have wives and families to go home to but I see you're not married." He said pointing to my now shaking left hand. "How would you like to take me to your favorite restaurant? My treat!"
I was dumbfounded. I had no clue how to answer. I just stared at him and all I could mutter was a shaky, "O.K." He giggled as I fumbled around to pack up all my books and work folders, dropping them on the floor more than once. After what felt like a lifetime of fumbling, I finally gathered all my things and we headed out the door. He couldn't stop laughing at my fumbling show the whole way to the restaurant.
I couldn't stop blushing.
Gregory's. My favorite restaurant. I hadn't been in a few months, since the last time I failed the bar exam. It always seemed to bring me comfort, no matter the situation, and this time was no different. As soon as we walked in the door of the Main St. restaurant, all my worries were gone. Gregory's is a small street side Italian cafe. It can't handle more than fifty patrons at a time, but it usually has a line hanging down the block. But today we walked right in and sat right down, perfect timing I guess. I quickly realized that other than the sheepish "O.K." I haven't said a single thing. So I meagerly asked, "So, Mr. Feinstein, how long have you been practicing law?" Eww. Not the question I wanted to ask, but it was all I could get out.
He chuckled "Jacob. Call me Jacob."
My heart stopped, it was quickly becoming clear this was not a business dinner where we would discuss matters of the firm or a time for me to get tips on how to pass the bar or anything like that.
This was a date.
I couldn't remember the last date I went on with a guy that made my heart flutter. It was nice. It was frightening. The night was going well and I was surprised when the second bottle of wine arrived, "Where did the first bottle go!?!" I exclaimed. Jacob laughed, "We've been here for an hour, its normal to drink a bottle in that time."
An hour! Wow! That hour felt like ten minutes max. But he was right, the sun had fully dipped below the buildings across the street and the infamous line had began to wrap itself down the block. I was enjoying myself. It was easy. I was comfortable. He made me comfortable.
He made me comfortable.
I was comfortable with him? I had never been comfortable on a first date before. But this seemed natural, it seemed right.
After dinner we ambled lazily through the shops of Downtown. We peered into shop windows and discovered things I never knew existed in the small city. It was great!
By the time we arrived at my car it was nine o'clock. We had been out for over four hours. I was amazed. But this was the time I was worried about. The potential goodbye. Was it goodbye? Should we go back to one of our places? My roommate was out of town so we could have the whole apartment. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. He said he would see me tomorrow. And he opened my door.
I was flabbergasted.
He opened my car door. He gave me a gentle peck. He was a gentleman. He was obviously not from Greenville.
We continued to see each other. Everyday actually. It was weird. I had never actually looked forward to seeing someone the way I did for him. If he ever came in the office I would immediately stop whatever I was doing to greet him. It was like this for three months.
After the first three months he asked me a question that confused me. He asked me to date him. I had never dated before. I didn't think I knew how. But I knew he was special.
I said yes.
We became exclusive. Just the two of us. It was magical really, we would do everything together. We even got a dog. A pug. We named him Larry. It was only getting better.
One year passed and we made the decision to move in together. It was shortly after I decided to stop trying to pass the bar. I felt like it was a worthless fight after taking the exam four times. It was fine, my life didn't need it anymore like I thought it did. We found a house just outside of downtown in the NOMA district. It was an up and coming district north of Main St. that had houses built in the forties and fifties. We found a cute bungalow style home that had just entered foreclosure so we got it at a steal! We decided to make it our project to fix it up.
The first night in our new home with our new lives together is when Jacob collapsed the first time. I was in the backyard figuring out a layout for my herb garden, all I heard was a thud. I thought he had dropped a box or something. When I went in to check, he was on the floor, pulse weak, short breaths. I panicked. Called an ambulance and rode to the emergency room with him.
During that time the laws were against us because we were homosexual. I wasn't allowed to go into exam rooms with him. I had limited visitation times with him. I couldn't even ask the doctors what was wrong. I was completely in the dark, powerless, alone.
It was while I was sitting in that cold waiting room on the first floor of the ICU wing that I began to think, "What if he's not O.K. What if he's dying?" It was then that I started to realize I was in love.
Love.
Tears began to stream down my face as I thought of life without him. As I sat there thinking back to the times we spent together. How we met, how he asked me out, how we had began to plan our lives together. I felt broken.
He is my one. THE one. It was a rush to feel that. To know that. As I was realizing it and beginning to need him to be O.K. even more, I heard a lady at the desk say his name, "Jacob Feinstein" I looked up. It was a familiar face, one I had only seen in photographs. It was his mother. The mother that sat idly by as his father told him to leave and never come back. She looked kind, simple, tired. I stood up. The nurse knew who I was and looked at me as she talked to his mom. I slowly approached.
"Mrs. Feinstein?" I quivered. "Are you Jacobs mother?"
She slowly turned her head. Her eyes were as blue as the Caribbean Sea. Her skin seemed soft with gentle folds in the corners of her eyes and worry lines in her forehead. Her hair was long and straight, a simple style that fell down below her shoulders. She was beautiful. She was frightened.
I told her my name. I said "I'm Jacobs boy.... uh ... roommate. They won't let me in to see him."
She grabbed my hand and said, "Come with me, we will go together." Her hand was gentle, it felt kind with a slight tremor.
"Yeah, I'm new to the area and have no clue what to do for dinner! All these stiffs here have wives and families to go home to but I see you're not married." He said pointing to my now shaking left hand. "How would you like to take me to your favorite restaurant? My treat!"
I was dumbfounded. I had no clue how to answer. I just stared at him and all I could mutter was a shaky, "O.K." He giggled as I fumbled around to pack up all my books and work folders, dropping them on the floor more than once. After what felt like a lifetime of fumbling, I finally gathered all my things and we headed out the door. He couldn't stop laughing at my fumbling show the whole way to the restaurant.
I couldn't stop blushing.
Gregory's. My favorite restaurant. I hadn't been in a few months, since the last time I failed the bar exam. It always seemed to bring me comfort, no matter the situation, and this time was no different. As soon as we walked in the door of the Main St. restaurant, all my worries were gone. Gregory's is a small street side Italian cafe. It can't handle more than fifty patrons at a time, but it usually has a line hanging down the block. But today we walked right in and sat right down, perfect timing I guess. I quickly realized that other than the sheepish "O.K." I haven't said a single thing. So I meagerly asked, "So, Mr. Feinstein, how long have you been practicing law?" Eww. Not the question I wanted to ask, but it was all I could get out.
He chuckled "Jacob. Call me Jacob."
My heart stopped, it was quickly becoming clear this was not a business dinner where we would discuss matters of the firm or a time for me to get tips on how to pass the bar or anything like that.
This was a date.
I couldn't remember the last date I went on with a guy that made my heart flutter. It was nice. It was frightening. The night was going well and I was surprised when the second bottle of wine arrived, "Where did the first bottle go!?!" I exclaimed. Jacob laughed, "We've been here for an hour, its normal to drink a bottle in that time."
An hour! Wow! That hour felt like ten minutes max. But he was right, the sun had fully dipped below the buildings across the street and the infamous line had began to wrap itself down the block. I was enjoying myself. It was easy. I was comfortable. He made me comfortable.
He made me comfortable.
I was comfortable with him? I had never been comfortable on a first date before. But this seemed natural, it seemed right.
After dinner we ambled lazily through the shops of Downtown. We peered into shop windows and discovered things I never knew existed in the small city. It was great!
By the time we arrived at my car it was nine o'clock. We had been out for over four hours. I was amazed. But this was the time I was worried about. The potential goodbye. Was it goodbye? Should we go back to one of our places? My roommate was out of town so we could have the whole apartment. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. He said he would see me tomorrow. And he opened my door.
I was flabbergasted.
He opened my car door. He gave me a gentle peck. He was a gentleman. He was obviously not from Greenville.
We continued to see each other. Everyday actually. It was weird. I had never actually looked forward to seeing someone the way I did for him. If he ever came in the office I would immediately stop whatever I was doing to greet him. It was like this for three months.
After the first three months he asked me a question that confused me. He asked me to date him. I had never dated before. I didn't think I knew how. But I knew he was special.
I said yes.
We became exclusive. Just the two of us. It was magical really, we would do everything together. We even got a dog. A pug. We named him Larry. It was only getting better.
One year passed and we made the decision to move in together. It was shortly after I decided to stop trying to pass the bar. I felt like it was a worthless fight after taking the exam four times. It was fine, my life didn't need it anymore like I thought it did. We found a house just outside of downtown in the NOMA district. It was an up and coming district north of Main St. that had houses built in the forties and fifties. We found a cute bungalow style home that had just entered foreclosure so we got it at a steal! We decided to make it our project to fix it up.
The first night in our new home with our new lives together is when Jacob collapsed the first time. I was in the backyard figuring out a layout for my herb garden, all I heard was a thud. I thought he had dropped a box or something. When I went in to check, he was on the floor, pulse weak, short breaths. I panicked. Called an ambulance and rode to the emergency room with him.
During that time the laws were against us because we were homosexual. I wasn't allowed to go into exam rooms with him. I had limited visitation times with him. I couldn't even ask the doctors what was wrong. I was completely in the dark, powerless, alone.
It was while I was sitting in that cold waiting room on the first floor of the ICU wing that I began to think, "What if he's not O.K. What if he's dying?" It was then that I started to realize I was in love.
Love.
Tears began to stream down my face as I thought of life without him. As I sat there thinking back to the times we spent together. How we met, how he asked me out, how we had began to plan our lives together. I felt broken.
He is my one. THE one. It was a rush to feel that. To know that. As I was realizing it and beginning to need him to be O.K. even more, I heard a lady at the desk say his name, "Jacob Feinstein" I looked up. It was a familiar face, one I had only seen in photographs. It was his mother. The mother that sat idly by as his father told him to leave and never come back. She looked kind, simple, tired. I stood up. The nurse knew who I was and looked at me as she talked to his mom. I slowly approached.
"Mrs. Feinstein?" I quivered. "Are you Jacobs mother?"
She slowly turned her head. Her eyes were as blue as the Caribbean Sea. Her skin seemed soft with gentle folds in the corners of her eyes and worry lines in her forehead. Her hair was long and straight, a simple style that fell down below her shoulders. She was beautiful. She was frightened.
I told her my name. I said "I'm Jacobs boy.... uh ... roommate. They won't let me in to see him."
She grabbed my hand and said, "Come with me, we will go together." Her hand was gentle, it felt kind with a slight tremor.
Walking into that room was horrifying. I knew I couldn't be crying when he saw me, but I couldn't help it. He was connected to so many machines, he looked part robot. His mother hadn't let go of my hand the whole time. I got comfort from that. The nurse said they had put him into a medical coma. They said he had a stroke. They said his chances were slim.
His chances were slim.
That hurt. Real bad. It took my breath away. His mom sat down, and I knelt beside her. We embraced and cried into each other. She asked me how long we had been together and I told her. That was when she uttered the scariest words ever, "It is your decision for where we go from here. He loves you and you love him. You know his wishes."
But I don't. We were young. We never discussed what to do if something like this happened. So I said, "We wait. He will get better."
He didn't. He had more strokes. The doctors said his brain was practically completely shut down. He was only alive because of the machines.
I couldn't breath.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
We took away Jacobs pain. We allowed him to fly.
